i'm up at 4 am... just signed up at friendster, want to find out wat's so fantastically amazing abt this little network - all thanks to a newly-discovered blog belonging to my long-lost mei Liv - lost not becos we lost contact, but becos we lost touch of each other's lives... who's to blame? why do people read blogs? sometimes it's pathetic that we have to resort to blogs to speak wat we dare not say in real life. and our frens nvr get to know us better if not for our blogs - blogs are accessible for everyone who has access to the internet, and yet i can tell this general public more than i would be comfortably divulge to my close frens. how twisted... is it just me or people never tell you they read your blog until they complain that you haven't been updating? caught up with my mei in Oz by reading her blog (yes, surprise surprise, i had my time of adopting bros n sis. HA! so bite me...) realised she's been thru so much... while i just assumed everyone was just going thru a great time in their life.

wondering if there are anyone else in my life at this phase... screaming for help inside and yet expressing not even a whimper of need... isn't it pathetic that as we grow, we become fearful of sharing our innermost fears with people who should be close to us? for fear of being judged? i m afraid of being judged becos i have judged before...

friendship is such a beautifully fragile thing, like a mirror... i have a mirror in my house that has a silver backing so badly corroded i can hardly see my own reflection anymore... i use to want a friendship that was simple... jus a spontaneous sharing of minds? a mirror that reflects at me the moment i look into it, giving me the most truthful of impressions - sometimes a mirror that makes me look a little skinnier, sometimes a mirror that magnifies my pimples, sometimes just how pretty or how ugly i look. some mirrors make me look better, some make me look worse - i dun blame them... they're made to show that, i like them and choose to look into them exactly knowing what to expect - mayb not liking what they show, but hey - if i look into a mirror, i'm looking to see a reflection...

i just want it to be spontaneous... it's frustrating that when i ask a question about how friends are and i get a blank stare and a mindful look (as if weighing the pros and cons of telling me the truth)... isn't such a frenship pathetic? wat good is a mirror that takes 3 seconds before deciding wat to show me? i might as well get a digital camera where i can alter the way my pictures turn out - sepia, b/w, vivid, sunlight, cloudy day - my choice of buttons to push... a mirror has no buttons... a mirror isn't meant to alter images... i'm not complaining... i'm just lamenting...

i hate growing up... i don't mind aging... but i hate growing up... people change, as i expected them to. but i stil get saddened by such things. years ago, someone scolded me for changing into someone different from the person she knew. now i get the taste or rather distaste of a color-faded friendship. i knew this day would come... and it will go.. jus like any other day... the future awaits. i'd rather have beautiful memories... HA! reality bites... AGAIN

so pessimistic and lamentative this post... wat to do... blame it all on PMS...